I am not a Machine

Machines: Designed to do a particular job or sometimes more than one job. Each and every one is unique of its own kind. Never questions never disobeys and the best of all can do same thing repeatedly without getting board. No emotions, no feelings and always ready to be replaced.
Isn't it natural to have interest in a field? Everyone has their own field of interest. In my case I always had very much interest in these machines. Reasons are simple, they were simple and easy to understand. Peoples are the most complex creature to understand.

Emotions: One of the property of human being.
Some learns to control it, others learns to fake it and almost everybody learns to hide it.
In my case I didn't learn to express it. Is it necessary to let people know that you had emotions? What if someone couldn't learn how to express it to others? This is the only thing that I had least in me. Yea, this is what they say about me. Maybe this is one of the reason I like machine because it never thinks it just does what it meant to do. I don't know how to express emotions and I'm not having any problem with it. Why they always bothers about it so much. I don't understand it and may never will because I don't wanna understand at all.

If anyone is not speaking that doesn't mean that the person can't speak. If I can't express that also doesn't mean that I don't have emotions. I also gets hurt when they say I am a machine as if I don't have feelings. It is a simple thing that they don't understand. I love fixing broken things because I believe nothing is meant to be broken. Sometimes I spent hours in fixing things. May be this is the way how I express my feelings. I know it's quite different but there's nothing wrong in it. Everyone gets busy blaming others. If they don't understand how I express my feelings they say I don't have feelings. And sometimes it's easy to lie rather than tell the truth because no one understands. So I lie every time anyone ask me if I really don't have feelings or not.

Sometimes it feels like that I'm in space. Space without light. It’s like standing in a dark empty universe, no path to follow no landmarks to remember and I can go in any direction I want and I walk alone without any idea of direction distance anything. It feels like I'm lost. Sometimes even I see light but doesn't matter how long l walk towards it the distance remains the same and every time it disappears before I could reach it. Then I tell myself that those were just illusions and walking towards it was my mistake. When you get lost and you find a path it doesn't matter whether it is real or not you can't stop yourself walking on it.

Sometimes when you are in pain and you can't think of anything its gets easy to ignore your feelings by keeping yourself busy. Doesn't matter how hard you try not to feel anything when you get alone when you are trying to sleep but couldn't sleep these pain becomes your only company. People who are alone in pain makes there imaginary world as a place to be happy. How hard you try you can't run from reality. And that is we all know how to feel we all had emotions.
Life is all about balance. Balance in between happiness and sadness, Pain and Joy if you could make the balance it becomes one of the wonderful moments but the balance is hard to maintain so let it go to get it again.
Because every end is just another beginning.

Life Without Expectations

I never talked to anybody about it. Its not that I don't talk but I'm afraid that nobody would understand what I'm saying and might think that I am mental. Someone said once "How hard is it do you think to hold onto something that doesn't exist?" Well in case of my life every thing I hold onto never existed. Dear reader you might think I am crazy and I need to talk to a psychologist. Actually the truth is that I have spent lots of time of my life alone and always tried to be unique.

Being unique is not bad but it feels good when I find myself different, do things differently and capture people's attention. Every blessing comes with a curse. It was not different for me too. It gets hard to blend it normal people if you are unique. I paid a very large price for this, you can say ten years of my school life. This ten years taught me lot's of lessons and decided a path for my future or you could tell "my destiny".

Sometimes you could change your destiny, you could choose a path that you wanted to take instead on which you are on. I tried to change my path by changing my self without realizing what I'm doing. We took these types of decision when we had a collision or you could say we got something new or someone to hold on. I was blinded by the desire to change for someone, to become someone new, to become worthy of someone. This was the first time when I had a taste of reality and within two years reality was a bitter place and I didn't wanna live there. You couldn't do anything after the bullet was fired. So I waited, for the colliding particles to settle down, avoiding every ripple in life and also every possible collision.
You can't stay focused all the time. It's a fact that I didn't realized back then. During this waiting I lost almost everything. I was empty when my life gave me a second chance and I took it. 

Once a meteor collide with earth surface destroyed the whole dinosaur species and made the earth surface blank and empty that is how we came. One collision like that emptied my whole canvas to be painted again. Sometimes things just needed to be broken to rebuilt or a jar is needed to be empty to be filled. You just can't paint on a painted canvas. When an empty canvas gets painted it is difficult to express its feelings. At first it doesn't want to feel anything. It is natural that there would be no feelings left in a blank canvas and also in the beginning it is uncertain that whether it would be a masterpiece or a unsuccessful effort of some amateur. As the time passes by and every brush strokes makes a bonding between the painter and the canvas, it forgets all the pain it had, until the painter find it.

I got lost in being someone new and just then the second collision occurred. This collision was not strong enough to erase the whole canvas but strong enough to leave a small scar at a corner. This is when I realized that "feelings & emotions" are the reason for peoples disappointment and that leads people to sadness. So I decided to quit feeling. What I found is disappointments and a void space. I found this void hurting me but I can't do anything. So I tried to ignore it by keeping myself busy.

There is a very strange thing about my life. It never goes on the way I planned. It prefers  to follow it's own plan. So it silently take me to another collision. This time with something new about it, I could have seen it coming but I was unable to get out of the way. It felt like that it is not my life I'm just a puppet getting controlled by someone else. This time I found out how wrong I was every time.

Actually the thing that make us upset is "expectations". Whenever you meet people or make friends you always expect something from them. Every time you won't get what you expected you become upset. Its normal human nature and as like the others this also could be changed. If you could stop expecting your life would be much better than you even imagine.

And yes I understood what my life wanted to tell me ability to feel and emotions are blessing not curse if you had the ability to feel don't lose it. Feelings and emotions are rare gift. They may bring pain but they would heal you too.

I was wrong in my life so many times that I don't know how I am gonna do a right thing.

There's one thing that I don't wanna change about me that I always wanna do a right thing.

Whole New Reality

I'm not a writer, and this is not someone's imagination. Else you could tell this is how I see my life.

What is actually life?

It is a chosen path that, summation of lots of choices either picked up intentionally or randomly. So it can be seen that there is no way that two peoples would have same pattern of life. All the time everyone has their unique way of living, but due to human nature it has seen that peoples end up in copying each other. Some time they get success some time not but that doesn't matter.

What if one make some unique choice?

What would happen if you decide to follow your own path instead of following a path that was previously followed by someone?

Lone Walk gives you time for yourself

What if for someone satisfaction become much more valuable than success?

When people take this kind of extreme decision they get failure in every steps. This is what happened to me but later I understand that those were just lessons for something bigger.

When you take yourself away from people you get lots of time for yourself and you start getting freedom to do things without thinking of what other's would think of you. It is a pure distraction for your mind thinking of what others would think. As you are not thinking about others you start think for you. Your brain automatically starts developing itself to think about almost anything. It is hard to live like this for long time but if you could you would find yourself in a whole new reality then others.