I never talked to anybody about it. Its not that I don't talk but I'm afraid that nobody would understand what I'm saying and might think that I am mental. Someone said once "How hard is it do you think to hold onto something that doesn't exist?" Well in case of my life every thing I hold onto never existed. Dear reader you might think I am crazy and I need to talk to a psychologist. Actually the truth is that I have spent lots of time of my life alone and always tried to be unique.
Being unique is not bad but it feels good when I find myself different, do things differently and capture people's attention. Every blessing comes with a curse. It was not different for me too. It gets hard to blend it normal people if you are unique. I paid a very large price for this, you can say ten years of my school life. This ten years taught me lot's of lessons and decided a path for my future or you could tell "my destiny".
Sometimes you could change your destiny, you could choose a path that you wanted to take instead on which you are on. I tried to change my path by changing my self without realizing what I'm doing. We took these types of decision when we had a collision or you could say we got something new or someone to hold on. I was blinded by the desire to change for someone, to become someone new, to become worthy of someone. This was the first time when I had a taste of reality and within two years reality was a bitter place and I didn't wanna live there. You couldn't do anything after the bullet was fired. So I waited, for the colliding particles to settle down, avoiding every ripple in life and also every possible collision.
You can't stay focused all the time. It's a fact that I didn't realized back then. During this waiting I lost almost everything. I was empty when my life gave me a second chance and I took it.
Once a meteor collide with earth surface destroyed the whole dinosaur species and made the earth surface blank and empty that is how we came. One collision like that emptied my whole canvas to be painted again. Sometimes things just needed to be broken to rebuilt or a jar is needed to be empty to be filled. You just can't paint on a painted canvas. When an empty canvas gets painted it is difficult to express its feelings. At first it doesn't want to feel anything. It is natural that there would be no feelings left in a blank canvas and also in the beginning it is uncertain that whether it would be a masterpiece or a unsuccessful effort of some amateur. As the time passes by and every brush strokes makes a bonding between the painter and the canvas, it forgets all the pain it had, until the painter find it.
Being unique is not bad but it feels good when I find myself different, do things differently and capture people's attention. Every blessing comes with a curse. It was not different for me too. It gets hard to blend it normal people if you are unique. I paid a very large price for this, you can say ten years of my school life. This ten years taught me lot's of lessons and decided a path for my future or you could tell "my destiny".
Sometimes you could change your destiny, you could choose a path that you wanted to take instead on which you are on. I tried to change my path by changing my self without realizing what I'm doing. We took these types of decision when we had a collision or you could say we got something new or someone to hold on. I was blinded by the desire to change for someone, to become someone new, to become worthy of someone. This was the first time when I had a taste of reality and within two years reality was a bitter place and I didn't wanna live there. You couldn't do anything after the bullet was fired. So I waited, for the colliding particles to settle down, avoiding every ripple in life and also every possible collision.
You can't stay focused all the time. It's a fact that I didn't realized back then. During this waiting I lost almost everything. I was empty when my life gave me a second chance and I took it.
Once a meteor collide with earth surface destroyed the whole dinosaur species and made the earth surface blank and empty that is how we came. One collision like that emptied my whole canvas to be painted again. Sometimes things just needed to be broken to rebuilt or a jar is needed to be empty to be filled. You just can't paint on a painted canvas. When an empty canvas gets painted it is difficult to express its feelings. At first it doesn't want to feel anything. It is natural that there would be no feelings left in a blank canvas and also in the beginning it is uncertain that whether it would be a masterpiece or a unsuccessful effort of some amateur. As the time passes by and every brush strokes makes a bonding between the painter and the canvas, it forgets all the pain it had, until the painter find it.
I got lost in being someone new and just then the second collision occurred. This collision was not strong enough to erase the whole canvas but strong enough to leave a small scar at a corner. This is when I realized that "feelings & emotions" are the reason for peoples disappointment and that leads people to sadness. So I decided to quit feeling. What I found is disappointments and a void space. I found this void hurting me but I can't do anything. So I tried to ignore it by keeping myself busy.
There is a very strange thing about my life. It never goes on the way I planned. It prefers to follow it's own plan. So it silently take me to another collision. This time with something new about it, I could have seen it coming but I was unable to get out of the way. It felt like that it is not my life I'm just a puppet getting controlled by someone else. This time I found out how wrong I was every time.
Actually the thing that make us upset is "expectations". Whenever you meet people or make friends you always expect something from them. Every time you won't get what you expected you become upset. Its normal human nature and as like the others this also could be changed. If you could stop expecting your life would be much better than you even imagine.
And yes I understood what my life wanted to tell me ability to feel and emotions are blessing not curse if you had the ability to feel don't lose it. Feelings and emotions are rare gift. They may bring pain but they would heal you too.
I was wrong in my life so many times that I don't know how I am gonna do a right thing.
There's one thing that I don't wanna change about me that I always wanna do a right thing.
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